I woke up in the morning just like usual. My job was all I got. Yes, that’s what I was taught by my dear parents as a man, I had to roll up my sleeves and get to work. They added that a man’s worth is measured by what he owns and so job and money was the subject of the day. Life really seemed promising. I lived by the rules and by the books. Now I caught myself working, Digital Communication and Information Technology expert. This day it felt so heavy to lift myself off the bed yet I had to reach work in time. Job wasn’t that interesting and I was just in my sixth month of employment. I paused a little and I could see my colleagues busy and everyone at their best. The energy wasn’t at my reach and for a minute or two, questions rolled in my mind. Is this what I wanted to do my entire life? What was I working for? Why others were still better than me yet this had been my life journey? These and many others came rolling like I was reading from a scroll.

Before I realized, I was not doing a single thing at my desk. I wanted to talk to someone but everyone was busy at that time. I wanted to feel happy and in the evening I called Jack, a long-time friend. He was busy and no, l couldn’t call my parents because I was strong as they brought me up to be. So, this would not go well with them. I realized I never had any friends.

This became problematic as what was seen interesting became more and more boring. I even started summing up my income, expenditures and savings. It was not working. There was nothing actually to smile about. This was a turning point. I needed fun. I needed to feel myself and I wanted my space and to be in authority as well.

Chelsea was the first point of contact. A lady I tried to talk to one day in a ‘matatu’. She came through. Yes, with a bottle and a reward after the bottle. This was the beginning of the second trouble phase and the third and the fourth. ‘Gilbeys’, she called it, was the choice our drink. It became our routine after work. I found fun, I thought I did.

Two months down the line, I got a message from her. She was pregnant. It was too short but now the results are confining. I had to commit to take care of her. I was still happy because my parents would be proud. I did not have any skills of raising a family yet so I was in a conundrum as well. Within no time Chelsea had to stop drinking and so all again, boredom crept back. I had to look for an alternative so I started going to club after work. I made new friends so fast and at times I would forget that I had an expecting lady at my apartment.  She had no problems that much from my point of view because all she needed was money.

I received a message from the HR department one morning. My performance had gone down. After the meeting, I decided to quit job. I believed that opportunity would look for me and not the other way round. I was good at whatever I was doing and I believed that I never deserved any disciplinary actions. This was probably the worst time to make such a decision. I realized how expensive my rent was and how demanding my lifestyle had become not forgetting Chelsea had gotten used to spending and staying at home. The bottles had become the soothers but because money became another question, even the club mates were not seeing fun having me around anymore. I had to mask this because no one should have known that I didn’t have it altogether.

I tried several job applications but every job took its humble time to respond. At this point Chelsea had gone to stay with a friend and I wasn’t getting any word from her. I was also at my uncle’s house, of course I couldn’t manage the house I rented and had to sell out several household items, I ran to seek refuge. I struggled to cope up at my uncle’s home. I had to sneak, go drink and come back. At this point, life started losing meaning. I couldn’t talk to anyone .My parents would call but after several engagements I started ignoring. My uncle couldn’t tell why I was too silent. Fear caught up with me and I thought I was not good enough. Without money, life was just falling apart. The little that I was given could not support Chelsea and she was almost the time of delivery. Nobody was aware of this.

‘A man never tires’. I decided to leave my uncles home and promised him that I would be okay. I really didn’t know where I was going. This is the time I found myself in the streets. I didn’t know where to start and where to head. After two days I was caught by people I never recognized. This was late night at a bar where I spent the previous night. They stopped at a place, a rehab center.

My journey of recovery started here. My parents sponsored the program and this is where I learnt more to do with mental health and substance addiction. The program never focused only on alcohol and drugs but also character defects. The patterns that looked normal to me turned out to be abnormal. These are the things I identified with. ‘Toxic Masculity’ and wanting to solve things on my own, quitting job because of saw things in black and white and feeling like alcohol was the solution to my problems.

Speaking all these out to my counselor and to my family during a family therapy reduced the burden I had created for myself. The distortion of ‘I must’ came out clearly. I learnt to take responsibility for my doings and corrected my ways. I found the true meaning of happiness through therapy and sharing. Listening to other people talk in group therapy also worked as a motivation towards building more self-awareness. It is in this journey that I learnt about normalizing seeking help.

By Oliver Tambo – Psychologist